So...

The last entry of September.

Perhaps there should be a certain profundity to that; if there is, I surely can't find it. The passing of my birth month? The passing of a month?

I don't know. I've been here for almost a month. And I've done nothing. I've put in three applications. I was granted one job. Which I passed up. Jesus. I'm quickly falling into old habits. And that scares me.

So. What shall I do? I have to admit that the idea of drawing appeals to me. I am not particularly enthralled with the idea of pencil-drawn portraits, but it does seem a viable means of making money. If there are people out there who will pay for my services, then I am a fool for not exploiting that.

Everywhere I have ever worked I have been asked the same question; “With your talent...what are you doing working here?” Good question. One which I've never been able to answer. I once told Faith that I believe I am more afraid of succeeding than I am of failing. I can deal with failure. I've been conditioned all my life to expect it.

But no more. I have to try. Something. Anything. The accepted Chaney doctrine says “thou shalt work for minimum wage as those who have come before you, and thou shalt be grateful for thy servitude.” But then, this comes from a family which is involved in a family-run business. The doctrine of management? hehehe

Maybe so. But I am not as they. I am more. I am a dreamer. I am a creator. I am young and filled with desire and awakening passion which has long lain dormant. And I shall rise above them. Or die. And those, literally, are my choices.

So yes. I will try. I will draw. I will create. Perhaps in the effort, other possibilities will emerge. No. The will emerge. I'll see to that. I have to.