In one of those moods.

I got a letter from Faith today. Well, actually, Mom got a letter from her with my name attached. The letter was basically to her. The only time she addressed me in it was when she asked about the cable box which I was supposed to take back. Other than that, the letter was to Mom.

She went into a long tirade concerning why she hadn't called since returning to Albany, citing things about her family hovering and so on. It was a long, drawn out explanation, which leads me to wonder about it, though I don't think I'll dwell on the issue to any great extent.

Once again she pledged to send money when she gets her settlement, but I'm still not looking for it. I think the letter was obligatory. Seems to me that she wrote it the last day I called, which was Tuesday, I believe. We'll see.

As for me. The letter has left me feeling somewhat listless. I am pleased that she wrote, but I am, perhaps, a little saddened by the fact that I was only mentioned in passing. I would have thought I deserved more than that. Oh, well.

In a related vein, I called Art today and asked him how much it would cost to replace the Alembic which I sold for Faith. He said the best he can do is $2600. Jesus. I'll never replace these things. I worked for so long to acquire them. As I see it, under the best possible circumstances, it will cost around $6000 to replace these things. I can never manage that. Not under the present circumstances. The only way out I see is to establish some form of credit, and to get my hands on some credit cards. That will take time, but I don't see any other way. It will be slow going, building credit, but it's much easier to get credit cards than it is to get a loan. That's for sure.

Well, one good thing has come of this. I now have this great burning desire to get a job. I would hate to admit it, but I've been, basically, sitting on my ass this past week. I've done nothing. Nothing at all. I've put in one application and I've dreamed a lot, but that's about it. I went to Gastonia today with the intention of putting in an application at a place called Ithaca, where Nancy Gladden works. I chickened out after looking the place over. It just didn't appeal to me. Then, when I returned to Kings Mountain, I circled by Buckeye, a place which makes fire extinguishers, but changed my mind about putting in an application when it occurred to me that I have no desire to work in Kings Mountain. I want to get as far away from this place as possible, and if I can only do that by working out of town, then that I will do.

I've decided in the past few hours that I don't even want to live here once I get straightened out and get a job. I'll look to Gastonia or Charlotte. I don't want to be here, in any way, shape, or form. North Carolina is something of a bitter pill to swallow in and of itself. Kings Mountain is intolerable. And besides. There is nothing here for me now.

Things are different at Rick and Cisie's. They have gotten deep into the doubles gang thing. They're a couple. They hang out with couples. They do things that couples do together. And there simply is no room for a lost soul such as myself in all that. Especially a lost soul who is currently out of work.

Well ... on to other things.

Mike Engle has asked me if I was going to go hear Mark and his band tomorrow night. I initially agreed, but have since changed my mind. I don't know if I can stomach seeing Mark Short playing my Alembic. I don't so much resent that he has it. I resent how he got it. Faith and I were facing eviction in Florida. My mom and Loretta offered to help by buying these guitars from me.

Basically put, I sold them a $1000 Alembic and a $750 Stratocaster for $1000 even. Hell, I had asked $1200, which was a steal, and they talked me down $200. That hurt a little. But the thing which really killed me was to find out later that Mark had
gotten my Alembic for a song and dance. They sold it to him for $800, and he is paying for it by $20 a fucking week!!!!! Jesus!! That's what really hurts. Had our positions been reversed, I would have never managed to get that kind of deal out of Loretta. She would have thrown up her hands and said that she was sorry. Tough.

Jesus. I think this is a wound that may never fully heal. But I will, at least, try not to linger on it.

And so. In closing, there is little to say. I have some serious work ahead of me. I have looked at some new equipment. I think I'll buy some really cheap junk to work with in the meantime, so that I won't be totally shanghaied in regard to music. I can at least work on some things.

But I have to admit, my eyes have begun to wander into the area of animation. If I am to make anything of my life, I am going to have to stun some people. And I think that's what I've decided to do.

Damn them all...