My mom called Faith last night. She was busy. Paul was there. She said that they had been to buy the kids some clothes. So it appears that things have gone just the way I had thought they were going. It seems that Faith has gone back to Paul, and the fact that she hasn't as much as called to see if I made it home ok shows that she wants to put me and our relationship as far behind her as possible.

I just wish she had been woman enough to tell me what was going on instead of leaving me to guess and to live with what now seems to have been one great lie.

Oh, well. I won't dwell on it.

I'm about to take a shower. I need to get out tonight. I need to do something. I really don't like sitting here in this house. It's no longer home, and that fact is apparent at all times. I need to leave. But in the meantime, I suppose all I can do is live with it, and escape as I can.

I am thinking somewhat of staying here and working on the novel, which I just retrieved from storage. It's time I put Faith behind me. It's time I moved on. It's time I did something with my life, or at least time I started trying.

In many ways, I am deeply hurt that my brief relationship with Faith cost me so very much, but at the same time, I think it has changed me. For the better, I hope. I am not as frail as I was. Not as afraid of petty things. What is petty seems petty now. Nothing is any worse than it really is. And that's something.

I have a game plan now. Above and beyond any dreams. I actually see the way to the things I long for. And a job is the first step. I wish I had gotten to look today. But all things will come in due time.

I have this weekend. My birthday weekend. Come 12:00 I will be 26 years old. Come Monday I will be starting in on another year. And come next week, I will be moving ahead for the first time in a very long time.

So fuck Faith Lanier Malone. I owe her. She owes me. I love her. And I hate that I ever met her. And that paradox is my life. In many ways.