I looked over the first chapter of Arumaea last night. I was initially thrilled by what I had written, but now ... in
reflection ... it's not what I want. It seems too disassociated. Too basic. I want more finesse. More poetry within the words. The imagery must be more intense. As written, it simply wanders with no real purpose. The old way of arranging the words so that the reader was swept up into the rhythm of the piece isn't present here.

And I know why. There was no passion here. The pounding heart which I experienced when I wrote the first version of M.E. Caldwell was never a factor in this.

Part of it has to do with immediacy. Although written in the first person, this piece is too analytical. It's too cool. Too reserved. Granted, the focus of this chapter changed in mid-stream, but I still think that most of the problem which, that elusive element which makes me so uncomfortable, has more to do with the way the words are physically strung together than anything else.

So what should I do to rectify this situation? Should I start over? Would it be more appropriate to the emotions involved if I started from another point? If I started from the moment Arundel awakes on Chanouran shores, after the shipwreck, I could leap immediately into rather strong emotions. Those are definitely what I am best at. Extremes. Intense moments.

What if Arundel was somehow unbalanced? Hehehe. The mad general? That's an interesting thought.

Nahhhhhh.

I don't think so. Extreme emotions ... yes. Insanity? It would never work.

However, there could be an extra factor which would allow me to get deeply into the weird way I prefer to write. What if there was a voice guiding him in some way? What if Chianan was in contact with him, or an Eonuaran? If he didn't know what was happening, or where this contact was coming from, he could certainly begin to think himself mad, and that in itself could solve my problem. If one thinks oneself mad, would it not be the case that you would go to the extremes to keep this secret hidden? Would you not see danger at every turn?

Or visions ...

Perhaps this contact could bring Arundel some sort of visions from time to time, and this could add to his fear of being discovered, to his belief in his own madness.

This is an idea. A good one, I think. It may not be what I decide to use, but it's definitely worth considering. I must try something. I am not pleased with the way I have written thus far. Even the basic premise of what I have written seems weak now.

Or ...

Another thought.

Perhaps this contact allows Arundel to see things on another plane, one which he could not necessarily conceive of. What if he could see people's auras? Or what if he could see an apparently physical manifestation of that person's nature? Would that not, in a mind uneducated to such possibilities, constitute madness?

Either way, it would seem to me to be a golden opportunity to deal with the imagery I prefer. The surrealistic. Or the images one seldom considers, such as the scene I wrote once upon a time in which Arundel is waking up in increments, and each stage is confused by the fact that he only reluctantly relinquishes the dream.

I like this.

I wonder ...

Should I return to other ways? I never did really explore the possibilities I once considered. Perhaps there is more to the style of M.E. Caldwell than I have
realized. Perhaps that is what I need to get back to.

SUPPLEMENTARY

I learned to count from 0 to 9 in German today. That was interesting. I want to learn so many things. There is so much out there to learn. But I need work. I need to do something to make this dream possible.

I think I might be able to eventually make a living as an artist, but that will take some time to get started. If these portraits I'm doing continue to grow, I can make a lot of money doing that through Christmas, but I find myself wondering how I would do with oils. I need to get straightened out. I need to get ICS paid off so that I can continue my art studies, as well as my get my High School Diploma finally. I need to pay off NRI so that I can finish the Computer Programming course. That would be a skill I might be able to parlay into some sort of career should everything else fall through.

But this has me wondering about the possibilities. I want to learn German, French, Spanish, Italian, and maybe even Russian and Japanese. Why not? I want to learn the art of art. I want to learn things about architecture and history and drama.

Jesus ... where was this passion when I was in school?