I went and jammed with Tony (Rodgers) some yesterday. He wants me to play in a band with him, Ted and a drummer whose name I can't remember. I kind of like what they're doing, but I'm not really sure I want to do this. Hell, Mike (Peeler) has asked me about jamming some, too. His idea involves taking a band approach to medleys, of which the entire show would consist.

And here I am, more or less telling them both that I'm interested.

I think it all boils down to the simple fact that I want to play. Nothing more and nothing less. I'd like to jam some with both of them, but I'm not entirely sure I want to do either to any great extent, and on a fairly permanent basis.

Maybe I should have went ahead and bought the keyboards. Buying the amp and things seemed right until I had actually done it, and then it felt very wrong. I felt as if I had made a big mistake.

Now I'm not sure what I feel. More or less, I feel lost. As ever. And I wish I had the keyboards. But at the same time, I know that what I really need, namely independence and freedom, can only be bought if I have an added means of income, and I can only get that through playing and through my art. Or at least those are the most immediate means. I may be able to do something later on with some stories or with poetry, but that will take time and a further investment (an editor program for the computer and a daisy wheel printer), which quickly brings us back to the issue of money.

:: sigh ::

I had the world in my hands. And lost it. Shit.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

I suppose now all I can do is start over. Which I'm doing. I can handle limbo for awhile, but I really need to fly soon.