I am in St. Augustine. Apparently for good this time. I contacted a job placement agency, and they're trying to help me find work. So far, I haven't found anything, but at least I've been looking. Something may turn up soon. Who knows?

The Alembic and the Stratocaster are gone. I sold them to my Mom and Loretta for $1000. The Strat is already sold, but the Alembic still sits around, I think, so maybe I can get it back.

As for Faith and I. Well. I don't know. I've been back a week. We've made love once.
And she hasn't slept with me a single time. I don't know what's going on. Probably never will. If we stay together, we'll probably never have what I think of as a normal relationship. I really don't think she can conceive of it. Not as I do.

When she comes in from work, there may be cursory words exchanged. Basics. Then she is either reading a book or working on her manuscript. In the mornings when I awaken, it's the same. She's been trying to pressure me into beginning Arumaea, and I even tried. I may yet jump into it, but I don't seem to have this great passion for it. There are too many other things on my mind. Faith. The future. My life. I sleep alone in her bad, and that seems to sum up my life right now. Everything I own, essentially, is in the den. The den is hot. The floor is water-logged.

Says a lot. Or says nothing. I don't know anymore. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I feel. It would be enough for me to live with her and the girls for the rest of my days, if there was even a semblance of normalcy. But it seems that we are associates. We are friends. The quote that comes to mind is from Lynyrd Skynyrd. “I'm lookin' for a lover. I don't need a buddy.”

Oh, well. Time will tell.

I went to apply for a job as a courier today. It would only pay $4.35 an hour. Since it's in Jacksonville, it wouldn't be worth going to, but it's something. If nothing works out before Wednesday, when I'm supposed to call the man back, I'll have to take it if it's offered to me. We have a rent payment coming up, and we don't have any of it.

To the grind. And that is it. Life.

Well. The girls have come in. I'm cooking supper. So I should go. I have a heavy weight on my heart right now. I think it came from Roger Waters. I watched his The Tide Is Turning video tonight, and the end of it choked me up. I don't think so much from anything that the video contained, as in the emotions it evoked. I'm drifting a bit right now, and I really need focus. A part of me wants to leave here once Faith gets here money and is secure. Part of me wants to stay. I don't know. The time hasn't come yet to decide. Maybe it never will.

All I can do is wait. And work. And manage. I just hope the heart remains intact.