Talked to Mara

I talked to Mara today. She called and we talked for a long time. About nothing in particular. It's always very strange for me. The conversation is always casual, like I'm talking to any of my friends. But there's always that strange tension because, well, she's my wife. There's always that surreal moment when she says “I'm sorry for ruining your life,” and I have to say “That's okay. So how's Ria (our cat)?”

I suppose I'm healing. Talking to her no longer twists me up in side. I also no longer feel a need to stay in touch. She's gone. The house is gone. Everything is gone. Can I just move on now?

The only moment of bitterness for me came when she mentioned what a hard time emotionally she'd had during and after Christmas. And I wanted to say “Are you fucking kidding me?” But I didn't. I'm tired of feeling like I'm trying to one-up her in some kind of suffering competition that only I'm competing in. Yeah, maybe my life sucks, but I don't think leaving me solved all of Mara's problems like she thought it would, either. So why am I having such a hard time with this?

I think it's good that talking to her now doesn't leave me upset and lonely. I honestly wish her well. She made her choices. I hope they work out well for her. I will always love Mara, and I will always have have concern for her welfare, but I think I am, at long last, moving on.