Okay. It's time for a minor Dukes of Hazzard rant. Nothing inspired by Ben Jones' (who played Cooter in the original TV series) insane rants about the original show being a good, clean family show (excuse me? Does the term “Daisy Dukes” mean anything to you, Cooter?). Quite honestly, I couldn't give a damn about the original TV show or it's supposed place in television history, and I couldn't give a damn about the new movie. I also couldn't give a damn if Jessica Simpsons prances around nearly naked. I think that last part might be the only redeeming thing about the existence of the Dukes of Hazzard franchise. The original show was hardly Shakespeare. It couldn't qualify as decent television, much less “a classic TV show.” The only reason that show has a place in the pantheon is that it was successful. No one would remember it otherwise.

I haven't seen the movie and I don't intend to see it. I can see plenty of tits and ass without paying $10 at a movie theater for the self-indulgence of observing Jessica Simpson's narcissism (nicely packaged as it is). And as for as the Bo and Luke Duke characters, I've heard enough bad Southern accents in my life, thank you.

When I heard they were making a Dukes of Hazzard movie, my initial reaction was disappointment. Not because I have any regard for the original series or any of the characters, but simply because it seems to me that there are enough prejudicial Southern stereotypes running around as it is without re-introducing a group of characters that offended me back when I was still a child.

It's hard to fault the cast. Seann William Scott's bad attempt at a Southern accent aside (he's from Minnesota), the rest of the cast are Southern actors. Johnny Knoxville is from Knoxville, Tennessee. Jessicca Simpson is from Dallas, Texas. Burt Reynolds is from Waycross, Georgia. Willie Nelson is from Abbott, Texas. I don't think the actors are at fault.

The characters are the problem. These characters are just variations on a theme that Hollywood has been pushing down the American public's throat for years. It's the same mentality that saw them trying to create a reality-tv version of the Beverly Hillbillies. What? You didn't think that people would be offended that your basic premise was that of taking a poor family from Appalachia and putting them in a mansion to film the hilarity that would no doubt ensue?

In the end the new Dukes of Hazzard movie just reminds us of one simple, if incomfortable, fact. In our politically correct culture, there is only one group of people that you are allowed to make fun of or hate, and that's white Southerners. More specifally, white Southern men. And while actors like Johnny Knoxville and Burt Reynolds might go into a movie like Dukes of Hazzard with the best of intentions, it's hard to ignore the fact that the very premise of the movie is that we can all laugh at Southerners.

Don't believe me? Just read the reviews. Even the good reviews seem to think that the movie's inherent value is the opportunity to laugh at rednecks. Of course, in the popular American lexicon “redneck” is synonymous with “Southern.” All Southerners are rednecks. All Southerners are racist. All Southerners have a reverence for the Confederate flag. All Southerners think that Robert E. Lee was God in human form. All Southerners are bitter about losing the Civil War. All Southerners long for the days of Slavery. You know the drill.

If you're not Southern, just stop think about the first image that pops into your mind when someone says something about “The South.” If you have a creative mind, I don't doubt that you might have just heard a voice in your head go “Yee-Haw!” Ironic. That very phrase is plastered all over the advertising for Dukes of Hazzard.

I believe that Southerners have become a convenient scapegoat for the collective guilt of America. Southerners have become an archetype of all that's wrong with America. If I learned one thing in my travels through the United States (and for those who don't know, I've been to all 48 continental states), it's that the typical stereotype of Southerners holds from New York to California. I couldn't count how many times a friendly greeting has turned into icy silence when the other person heard my accent.

I realize that Dukes of Hazzard is just a movie. It's entertainment. That's all it was ever intended to be. The only reason it bugs me is that this one-dimensional, sterotypical image of Southerners is all that Hollywood ever gives us. I would be just as offended if every movie featuring women showed them as hysterical, over emotional bad drivers with PMS. I would just as offended if every movie featuring African-Americans showed them all eating watermelon and sounding like Buckwheat from The Little Rascals. I would be just as offended if every movie showing Arabs portrayed them as bomb-makers.

Okay, so that last one is currently in play.

Anyway, you get my drift. I think the only thing I know to compare this to would be to present a scenario in which an African-American was watching some piece of entertainment fluff that should be amusing, expecting to be amused, and repeatedly hearing the word “nigger.” I'm not talking about a day in the life of a hip-hop artist, either.

Oh, hell. Why am I trying? Most of you who live outside of the South will never understand my point. Most Southerners will understand it, but won't see the point in getting worked up over it. In the end, nothing will change because you can't even talk about this without people rolling their eyes. It's like a Jew being made out to be hysterical because he or she is well able to recognize anti-Semitism when it's before them.

Dukes of Hazzard is a slap in the face. That's what Hollywood thinks we are. Hell, that's what America thinks we are.