I'm about to go to bed. I'm pretty depressed. USX pissed me off so badly today that I honestly had edged up pretty close to quitting. As I sat down in front of the computer tonight, it was with the full intention of telling USX to kiss my ass in the morning. Well, Mara dashed any hopes I might have had in that regard.

She's right about the points she made. I mean, her arguments are full of holes, but I don't dare point that out. But I'd like to look at them.

1) We only have the one car, so how would I get to and from work? My question there is simple. Do we intend to buy another car? Is this an argument that can be solved? And if we can't afford to buy another car, what then? Do I just stay on the truck for the rest of my life?

2) We're behind with our bills. Geez, I know that. She points out that it would make more sense for me to stay on the truck until we get our bills caught up. But using that same logic, it would have made more sense for her to get back on the truck until we get caught up, too. She wasn't willing to do that at all. Come hell or high water, Mara was not getting back on that truck. But now that it's me, it's different, isn't it?

Crap, I'm not going through this. There are other points. And just as I did with those two, I can chew them up and spit them out. There will never be a good time for me to quit my job. Mara will never be making enough money to be comfortable with the idea of me quitting and coming home. She says she wants me to come home, but she'll always have a handful of practicality ready to explain to me why it's not a good time.

I'm not bashing Mara here. I'm just angry. And depressed. I hate driving a truck that much. Actually, I like the driving part. It's the being away from home, being used and abused by the company, disrespected by the public, being robbed by truckstops, and a dozen other things that really get me. Hell, the only time I'm happy as a truck driver is when I'm actually driving. All the rest sucks.

I don't know what will happen when I get up this morning. I was so angry with USX yesterday that I completely ignored them. I was afraid of what I would do or say if I talked to anyone at USX. I guess a lot depends on USX in the morning. If I call in the morning and they have a load for me, and nothing much else is said, I'm sure I'll just get on the truck and go, like I always do. For all I know they might fire me for not jumping when they said jump. Mostly I'm afaid someone will piss me off, because I know that I'd quit my job, just like that.

I guess I just need to go to bed. Tomorrow will bring what it brings. And just as I've done my whole life, I'll numb myself to the situation and do what I'm expected to do. In doing this, I also know that I'll never get any credit for it.