I haven't mentioned that I've been given a gift from the Lovelace mailing list that I'm a member of. They have paid for a DNA test for me, to determine which branch of the Lovelaces we're a part of. Knowing this might give me an idea of where to dig for more information. For instance, if my DNA reveals that I most closely match the Lovelaces down in Texas, there's a strong possibility that my great-grandfather, Richard Lovelace, may have come from Texas (as is rumored in my uncle Allen's family). Then I would know to dig through Texas records for a Richard Lovelace, and that there isn't much point in looking in Virginia or the North-East.

I'm excited about this. Probably more so than Allen or any of his family. But they have a family group. As much as I would like to be a part of that, it's a bit late to become a part of that family. We can be friendly, and we can care and love for one another, but it'll never be like I grew up with those people. Somehow I feel more connected to the idea of a lineage that stretches back through the centuries. As least with that kind of information I can feel like I came from somewhere, instead of just popping out of the ether like some cosmic joke that the Universe played on itself.

I guess in the end I'm more comfortable with names in a database. I don't seem to be very comfortable with the idea of inserting myself into Allen's family. It always seems to me that however gracious Allen may be, he's just going through the motions and doing what he feels is the right thing to do. He reaches out to me because he's supposed to reach out to me, and that's the kind of person he is. But there always seems to be this discomfort between us. The same kind of discomfort I feel with my Montgomery relatives down in Blacksburg.

If I were willing to give this a long, hard look, I think I'd have to admit that the problem must be me. I'm just not willing to go that extra mile to establish those familial bonds that are so important between human beings. I like to think that the truck driving is largely to blame, but if I were working a local job and was home every night and every weekend, I'd still find some excuse.

I look forward to learning more about my DNA and determining which part of the country my genes may have come from. I keep telling myself that learning this kind of information might constitute a bridge between me and other Lovelace families, as well as between me and Allen's family. Hopefully in the end I won't simply make a connection and put down a bunch of names in a database. Hopefully at some point I'll crawl out of this self-made prison and go shake some hands. I hate what I've become; this reserved, resigned, depressed thing that just breathes air and watches the calendar.

With Allen I have been given an instant family and an instant past. He has extended his hand to me. I would like to believe that the only reason I'm reluctant to take it is that I feel like I need to bring something to him; I am not enough in and of myself. I suppose that if I could lay his family history in his hands I might feel like I deserve the open arms that he and his family have offered me.

I don't know if the DNA test will lead me in the direction of that kind of information, but I kind of hope it will. If nothing else, it'll give the Lovelace mailing list something to chew on, and between us we might be able to determine where my great-grandfather came from. Maybe once I have that kind of information I can go to Allen and discover if I'm just full of shit or not. Part of me is afraid that even if I come up with our common family genealogy, I'll still be too chicken-shit to embrace Allen and his family.

I'd be remiss if I didn't mention Justin, my brother, here. I found a cellphone record not long ago. The last time I heard from him was in December of last year. There again, I lay blame elsewhere. The last couple of overtures have been made by Justin. I am the one who has not lived up to his familial obligations. And in the end, I believe that's why I am the asshole here. In regard to Allen, in regard to Justin, and possibly in regard to the more distant relatives in Blacksburg. I haven't gone out of my way to stay in touch with anyone. In the end, I am the one who is losing out here.