I wasn't going to mention this, but I think I should. I still haven't learned. I was playing SWG this morning. When the server shut down at 07:00 (as it does every morning), I went fishing around for things to do. Somehow or another I wound up looking in on Mara's web site. Mistake! I'll sum it up with a quote; "the sad truth is i'm in love with two very different men, and one i'm married to."

That hit me like a sack of bricks to the stomach. I'm not sure how I've been kidding myself all this time, but I honestly thought that Mara's thing with Bobby was an issue of sparks getting lit and her wondering what she might be missing out on. For the first time she has said that she is in love with him. It seems fairly obvious to me that she's not going to let go of this. That probably hurts me more than anything.

Mara seems to think that this is a decision that she has to make, whether to stay with me or run off into some romantic fantasyland with Bobby. And in everything she writes, it seems that staying with me is the hard decision that she's going to stick by no matter how much she might want to be with Bobby. That's the way it seems.

I keep thinking to myself that this is not the only issue here. Mara seems to assume that she just has to make up her mind and that's the end of it. I don't think she understands that the more she struggles against real or perceived bonds, the farther she pushes me away from her. At least part of this is going to come down to what I want. That doesn't seem to enter into it for her.

This isn't the only issue. I have had something nagging at me, and I haven't dared speak of it. Quite frankly, I have suspected since the day that I stumbled across Mara's words about Bobby that on February 25th, when she was supposed to be spending the night with her friend Cathy, that she instead spent the night with Bobby. I have reasons for wondering about this. For one thing, on Wednesday, February 23rd, she wrote in her Blog "i'm suddenly alive, like a lilly in the spring sunshine. but still apprehensive. sigh. two more days! then one part of the roller coaster will be over."

Call me jaded, but I have a hard time believing that she was talking about spending the weekend with Cathy. To make this even more confounding, Mara came home early the following Saturday, telling me that Cathy and her husband, Luke, had had a fight and she had just come on home. I thought that odd at the time. Put on top of that what she wrote about that upcoming Friday and what has come to light about Bobby, and this all just becomes more than I think I can bear.

If Mara spent the night with Bobby, then our marriage is over. As simple as that. But I may never know. I don't believe that she'd ever admit it. And I have no other way of knowing. I do know this; I'm not going to spend the rest of my life peering over her Blog and hoping that I can catch some glimpse into her secret life. She's already made me look like a goddamned fool. If she slept with this guy, she made her choice. I suppose I have to decide if I'm willing to shred our marriage to find out.

Mara may have had to decide whether she wanted me or not, but I still have to decide if I want her. Christ, everytime this shit begins to settle down she punches me in the fucking stomach again. The most frustrating thing is that none of this is getting through to her. Sometimes I wish she'd come and read my Blog. But she won't. Mara doesn't want to know what I think or what I feel. Sometimes I think I'm just a theoretical concept to her. I'm her safe haven. I'm the shoreline when she'd rather be sailing the high seas in her pirate costume and pretending that she's really Mara Jade. The difference is she doesn't have the fucking nerve to set sail. And so she settles for me.

How am I supposed to love her and keep her as my wife knowing that, in the end, I was second choice and that the only thing keeping her here with me is the fact that she's too afraid of change to pull up her anchor and leave?