Monday, January 06, 1992

I think I've pretty well made my decision concerning who to play with and what I want to do. I'm going to play with Mike.

I know, from my last sentiments, this may seem like the unlikely decision, but it's come from much soul searching and back tracking. Any way I look at it, I have so much more to gain from playing with Mike and them than with Carmen that it makes only makes sense to follow my instincts instead of my heart.

These guys are established. They have something going already. They have equipment. They have contacts, more or less. They have a small private studio. And, the key for me, they may present the possibility of making $1000 or more a month, and that would definitely come in handy in my efforts to replace all that I've lost. On top of all that, I'll be playing in the college circuit, and that will give me an opportunity to look over the way at least one level of professionalism is conducted.

Now ... Carmen's band.

I know that from an artistic and personal standpoint, I would enjoy playing with them more. I would get to sing and play the blues. I would be around people who are more or less free of ego problems. And I would be returning to my roots. I don't know how much money I could make, but there is bound to be some available. I've never known a country band that couldn't make decent money.

So it all comes down to a decision between money and personal fulfillment. Sadly, though I am lacking in both areas right now, the money is most important. If I can get my hands on some equipment again I could get some demos out there and into the hands of the people who need to hear them, and that is the most important issue of all.

Progress.

For all the fun I might have playing with Carmen, my path seems to lie with Harrison & McCLure (Mike's band). There's the opportunity. And damn it all, though I know this will most likely hurt Carmen's feelings, I've already done what they are planning to do. In contrast, I haven't been on the road in awhile and I definitely have never played the college circuit before.

SUPPLEMENTARY

I just talked to Mike. I was hoping to get some idea about money and gigs and such,
but he had no info. As a matter of fact, he seemed unusally cool. He said he wasn't going anywhere and I wasn't disturbing him, but he obviously didn't want to talk. When I asked him about financial arrangements, he said I should talk to Robert and
Roger. He almost snapped it.

I wonder if I've stumbled upon something ...

SUPPLEMENTARY

There comes a time when the gold ceases to glitter, when diamonds and rubies are simply stones.

I won't play with Mike. I will, instead, play with Carmen and Susan, and with Rick
should he go the distance.

I don't know if I can express my reasons with any eloquence. But I will try.

All my life, I have never enjoyed playing. For one reason or another, I have always been a secondary player. I have always been that added element, and I have always supported someone else with my instrument. There has never been any sort of fulfillment or pleasure because there has always been someone else's over-riding vision of what a band should be, guiding the way and plowing through any simple, preconceived notions of right and wrong and music and passion.

But now ... this decision is finite ... and I feel as if a weight has been placed upon my shoulders. It is not an oppressive weight. It is simply that of one who has made a decision based upon emotion and need, when all else tells him that this may or may not be the proper path.

But at the same time ... this is profound. Somehow. I feel as if I am passing up an opportunity in favor of life. I am turning away from monetary progress for pleasure. I am, by no means, sure of myself, and yet I am committed. My decision has been made.

And this weight which has fallen upon me came, more so, from the realization that I am alive than from any sense of mistaken ambition. God grant me the strength to be in the face of what may come.

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