Ruminations in The Rain from Jacksonville

I've adopted a new policy which seems to be serving me well. I'm writing my blog entries by hand. It's amazing how little of that stuff I'm actually willing to then turn around and transcribe into the computer. Because it's crap.

I wrote a lengthy dissertation this morning about how I was probably going to sell the house (even though Countrywide's foreclosure scare last Friday was a false alarm). I talked about my cellphone getting cut off today, and about how much of that bill was Mara's. I ranted a bit about Mara being in Las Vegas with her boyfriend, and especially how surprised she seemed to be that I'm having a wee bit of trouble with this.

At the end of all of it, I just shook my head. What's the point? I think writing all that stuff down makes me feel better, but there's no other point to it, and I don't see how it helps anything by posting it here.

As for the points I mentioned, I've pretty much made my mind to sell the house. I'm not going to be ducking and weaving every month with my heart in my throat because Countrywide has done something else creative to scare the shit out of me. It's a losing battle. I should move on. I'm still relatively young. If I'm going to make a run for the prize, I need to get started soon. I can't afford to spend another couple of years struggling to pay these bills, clinging to the remote hope that somewhere on the other end I might find some relief. I fought a good fight and bloodied their noses a bit. I can walk away from this without feeling like I've betrayed everything I believe in.

As for Mara, that's a closed book. I realize this week is going to be difficult. It's something of a milestone. A waypoint. Looking back on my life, I will understand (as I already do) that this was the point where there was clearly no going back. For me, at least. I think Mara cut her ties long before she left. But for me, this is where our lives went separate ways, and this is the point where I finally decided that there would be no looking back.

You know, in retrospect, I will post one paragraph that I wrote about Mara. One that didn't rant about the phone bill and who owed what, but which sums up what I'm feeling this week.

I considered at one point, when none of this seemed very real, that I could remain friends with Mara in some fashion. But as the reality of what she's done, and is doing, has set in, that notion of friendship now is inconceivable. Especially taken in full measure with the realization that she only wants to take from me the parts that are useful to her, and then discard the rest. From husband and lover to friend in one fell swoop. I'm sorry, Babe. I think not. At least not until I'm older and wiser, and far more forgiving.

With that, I think I can declare “‘nuff said.”