A note to Mara, i.e. “Note to Kevin”

I don't want to get back together. And I didn't intend to hurt you with the poem that I sent [Without Firing A Shot]. But I once promised I would never lie to you. Walking around with a big, fake, plastic smile on my face feels very much like telling a lie. I do sincerely apologize. I should have kept my mouth shut and let you move on, believing that I didn't care either way. I'm struggling to find my balance, and as admittedly disassociative as I am, that process takes some unexpected turns for me. I don't have a precedent to go by here.

As for any of your friends who naturally assume that I'm the big, bad wolf, I feel like I should say that it's very true that we had problems, and that we both contributed. You were right when you said that we were no good for each other. I fully accept that we're probably better off this way. But as to what Emily said about it coming out of nowhere, she's wrong, at least in regard to the leaving. I knew we had problems, but I thought we could work them out. It had honestly never occurred to me that you would just cut your losses and fly to Las Vegas with a new boyfriend.

Okay, that sounded snarky. I don't mean to be. I'm just speaking to the reality of the situation.

Please forgive me if I upset you. I'm just trying to find my way. Yes, I want to be friends, and remain friends. Sometimes I think that's all we ever really were. But getting to that point has proven a bumpier road than I could have imagined. I think the biggest thing I'm struggling with are the circumstances under which you're going to Las Vegas. But I truly hope that you have a good time, and that you find whatever it is you're seeking. I think once I get past that week and the realities involved, it will prove cathartic. If ever I needed a clean, precise break, a point of no return, that would be it.

I won't be bugging you anymore. No more poems. But I feel it's important, as well, that there be no more fake, plastic smiles, as well.

I truly hope you can be happy. From what I hear, it's been a long, long time since you were.

*hugs*