I wish I could get out of here. I've been trying to so hard to look on the bright side of my situation. But Mama started hammering away at me today about how it wasn't fair that Mara should profit from the sale of the house, since she left me and there's supposed to be someone else, etc. I agree to a certain extent. But I just don't see how it's going to benefit anyone to turn this into an ugly divorce. Especially if my only reason for doing so would be to hurt Mara, or get some kind of misguided revenge over the way she's hurt me.

The house is going to be sold. There's no way around that now. I could really care less about whether or not there is any money in my pocket in the end. I keep telling everyone that there are no good choices here. The choices I'm trying to make are the choices I can live with. If Mara has done wrong and deserves to be punished in some fashion, that's between her and her maker. I'm not going to cast shadows over my own soul just to “make her pay.”

Everyone keeps telling me what they think I should do. A lot of people keep saying that it's not right that Mara should get any money from the sale of the house, given that her name hasn't been on it all that long and that she left me for someone else. Is it so wrong of me to be unwilling to fight over the last few scraps of meat on the carcass? It's dead. Let's not embarass ourselves.

There's enough pain going around already. Yes, Mara seems to have skated away unscathed. She certainly seems to have no regrets or remorse. But is it my place to try to punish her for that? Aren't we supposed to leave that sort of thing to higher powers, to judge our actions and mete out whatever punishment or reward is called for? Am I so wrong in that I don't feel vindictive?

I don't know. I guess in some ways I feel like it's beneath me to squabble over a few thousand dollars. I'm not some animal, fighting over a piece of meat. I say to Mara and anyone else, take what you want. Fill your belly. Drink as much as you want from this cup. Do what you need to do. All I will say is that I will remember. If you take what is not yours, I will remember. And I will pray that a balance is restored, that if you profit unfairly, you will suffer losses in other ways.

I suppose the difference between Mama and I is that I see no real difference between Mara and the people who have been coming over to the house and taking inventory, preparing to pick over the carcass. The same people who come and offer Mama $50 for a $400 tiller are the ones who tell me that Mara should not get any money from the sale of the house. The same people who offer $50 for a wrought iron table and chairs that would cost them $500 in a store. If these people can profit from our situation and walk away with a clear conscience, why is it so much worse for Mara to do the same? At least Mara's name is on the deed for the house.

In the end, I really look at it like this; my name hasn't been on this house any longer than Mara's has. Yes, I might have more of a moral right to the property because it belonged to my aunt and then to my mother. But however anyone wants to spin it, if I turn this into an ugly fight and drag contentious issues through the courts for a year or more, guess who has to pay the bills on this house in the meantime? Sooner or later I'll trip and Countrywide will take it. Let's just be done with this already.