Trying to get off my ass. I feel really bad today. I felt kind of sick last night and slept on the couch so that I wouldn't wake up Mara if I had to get up and run to the bathroom. Then this morning Mama cooked some weiners so that we could have some lunch. Then she discovered a jar of chili that I had bought and had the great idea of putting the two together. Needless to say, eating this didn't do much for my general well being. Then my neck started hurting (I assume from sleeping on the couch). I had intended to get up early and finish up outside, but so far it hasn't worked out.

I suppose an update is in order. I've worked on our storage building in the backyard for most of this week. It was an ungodly mess. For years things have essentially just been tossed in the door, and it looked like it. I thought I could clean it up in one day, but it turned out to be a much larger job than I could have imagined. But, the building is clean and well-organized. Now all I have to do is finish up the clean-up in the yard. A lot of junk and trash was removed from the building. Okay, so it was tossed out in the yard. I got most of it up, but there's still a mess out there.

I don't know if Mara would understand my reasoning here, but I feel like we need to realign our energies. We live in a junk-pile. It's impossible to dig our way out. I look around at the chaos and I just have no idea where to begin. We don't have anywhere to put anything. So the house kind of seems like a puzzle with no solution. Cleaning out the building was a step toward correcting that. But I've run out of steam.

Mara is going off somewhere after work tonight. I don't begrudge her the escape. Sure, those old warning flags are popping up. I suppose I'll always have trust issues where Mara is concerned. But there's not much I can do about it if she wants to run around on me. Hopefully if it ever comes to that, she'll get caught before she makes too much of a damned fool of me. That said, however, I don't seriously think that Mara is out running around on me. This only comes up occasionally because it has been proven to be a very real possibility.

Anyway, I need to get up from here. Whether I feel bad or not, I need to get something done. It would be nice to have the dining room cleaned out when Mara gets home tonight. I've already made other small advances. The hallway is empty for the first time in ages (our Christmas tree and other assorted junk had been in the hallway since last Christmas). I finally broke down and hung a mirror in the bathroom to cover the hole where our medicine cabinet used to be. I have to admit that the mirror looks good. It matches the paint. I'd like to put a timetable on finishing the bathroom, but given our finances and current situation, that's not even on the agenda.

What I can do right now is clean up. That's what I'm going to do tonight and over the weekend. And I intend to hit the ground running Monday morning. I need to get back to work. Cleaning up around here has left me feeling kind of positive. I need to feel like that if I'm going to be job hunting next week.

It's time to get back to life. I feel great knowing that the U.S. Xpress spell has finally been broken and I will be returning to a life. I've tried to explain to Mara and Mama what it did to me sitting in that truck for three weeks on that FEMA load, how that truck became a box. But I don't think they could ever understand. Something in me just broke, and I can't bear the thought of ever being away from home for extended periods again. I don't even know if I could bear being gone for a week at a time. If I'm going to feel alive in any way, shape or form, I need to be home every night. I look forward to belonging again. I'm tired of being a ghost that drifts along the edges of our society. I want to live again.