I really need to stop playing Everquest while I'm on the road. It's just depressing. I signed-in tonight mostly just to say hello to Mara. I knew she'd be online. She always is when she's home. Well, I think maybe that's the depressing part. She didn't have much to say to me, really. I understand that she was off in some distant part of EQ playing with her friends, but it kinda hurt that every time I spoke to her in a private message, her response seemed to be an irritable one. And when I decided to sign off, she said goodbye in Guild chat; I didn't warrant a personal message.

That's why I shouldn't play EQ while I'm out here. I'm already feeling a bit lost. I think in some small way I'm trying to feel Mara's presence when I come online, but it's increasingly beginning to feel like I'm standing out in the yard watching her through a window. She knows I'm outside, but she never invites me in.

I lay asleep for a long time last night, wondering if we had deeper problems that I just haven't wanted to face. I mentioned on at least one occasion that I worried that Mara going home would mean the end of our marriage. I have to admit that I certainly feel like an intruder when I'm at home. At all times, Mara is sitting in front of her computer playing Everquest. I'm beginning to worry that we're developing the kind of problem that I had with Faith in Florida, that without the computer between us we don't know how to communicate as people.

I've also started wondering if Mara thought that going home would be a cure-all for every problem we have. Given the fact that it has not been, I'm wondering if she's looking around for someone to blame for not being happy, and I, as usual, make the most inviting target.