Wednesday, March 16, 2005

I'm on U-78 in Alabama, heading toward Mississippi. I should be excited about going to California, but I seem to have a permanent gnawing in the pit of my stomach. It's been there since I read Mara's blog. She considers it a non-issue. Sure she met somebody. Sure there were sparks. Sure she considered an affair, if not outright leaving me. And I'm supposed to just get over it?

I suppose the reason it gnaws away at me so is that she is in constant contact with the guy through text messaging. And I'm supposed to be fine with that because they decided against having an affair?

Every time I approach the subject and try to talk about why this bothers me so Mara gets defensive and acts like I'm being unfair. Am I? I think I've handled this reasonably. There has been no fight. No shouting. But if she thinks this is no big deal, she's very wrong. Every day the weight gets heavier. This has come between us, whether Mara realizes it or not. Every hug from her feels empty. And every kiss feels manipulative. I don't know how to put this behind me. And she won't come down off of her cross long enough to talk about it.

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