Determined Changes

Parked on the side of the road on I-83, just north of Baltimore. I stopped here to wait out the rush hour traffic. Maybe I should explain that there's a wide-shouldered pull-off here at the top of the hill. I didn't just pull over.

My mood has been shifting. Some of it on its own. A lot of it by my prodding. I've realized that I've been getting eaten alive by negativity, and I really need to turn it around. It's destroying me. I'm driving away friends and hurting family. All because I'm so damned angry and bitter, and feel like there's no hope.

I won't go into too many details, but I've decided on some changes.

First on the list is making peace with Mara. It really doesn't matter if she realizes or acknowledges how much her actions have cost me (and Mama, as well). One day she'll realize what she did and what she gave up, and that loss will be the price she pays. There's no need for me to grasp for some kind of explanation or satisfaction. I'm only hurting myself here. I think I'll write and offer a truce. And if she's amiable, I'll take her out to dinner to show there's no hard feelings. I feel like my ability to be able to do this has been hard-won, and I desperately want to embrace it. Life is too short to have enemies.

With that sentiment in mind, I've made a decision regarding my Thunderbird. My deal with Mark is not going to work. There's still too much inter-personal tension between us, and wranging over this car is only going to add to it. It's just not a good idea to leave it for him to drive. He already argues with me about what needs to be done to the car, when, and by whom. It will only get worse and cause more problems between us. So I'm going to remove this point of conflict. And besides, something has bothered me about this from the beginning, that I've only just identified. I simply can't bear the thought of someone else driving my old car. You might as well be sleeping with my wife.

Long story short, I'm going to get someone to get the car running. I'm going to store it at Galloway's if he is still amiable to the idea. And I'll get it running as quickly as possible. When I've fixed it up to a point where Mama can bring herself to be seen in it, I'll leave it for her to drive. Storage problem solved.

There are a lot of other positive changes that I'm looking at. I won't go into details. But let it suffice to say that my spirits have lifted in just thinking about all this. I need to grab hold and stop merely reacting to whatever is thrown at me. I need to take control.

Mama will be surprised to learn that one of these changes means I will no longer sleep on her couch. She may never understand that one. I know it brings her a measure of comfort to think that she's providing some semblance of a home for me to come back to. But I'm not a kid. Sleeping on her couch like some beatnik, even if it's only one night a week, is demeaning. If I sleep in the truck, at least it's my space. If I sleep in a hotel room, while I'm there it's my space. I need that.

I've let too many people take control of aspects of my life. It's time to take them back. I imagine appropriate apologies to certain people will follow. I feel like I'm emerging from a haze. And I'm embarassed by the person I've been of late.