I'm a little depressed tonight. For odd reasons, really. Foremost among them is that I strongly feel U.S. Xpress' proverbial axe hovering over me. I've made mistakes lately. Tonight I delivered to a railyard in Greensboro only to discover that I didn't have the bills for the load. I can only assume that I left them on a counter at the Pilot in Augusta, GA. Geez, I lost them before I left town. That's not a good thing, and in some of the load info pertaining to rail loads USX has threatened a Service Failure over missing bills. That's not a good thing to have on one's DAC report. So who knows what's going to wind up on mine?

This has me thinking about my prospects for continued employment with USX. Mara and I decided that we couldn't afford a lawyer this time for my last speeding ticket. So we decided to just pay the ticket and let the chips fall where they may. This may cost me my job. I am still under probation from the last Law Enforcement scam I fell into. If this speeding ticket goes on my record, with me on probation, U.S. Xpress won't hesitate to cut me loose. Sure, Mara and I have both been paranoid on numerous occasions through the years about getting fired and everything has always worked out. This may work out. I don't know. All I know is that we had no choice, and whatever happens will happen. But I DO know that if I have a Service Failure, or two or more, on me USX will not be as likely to look over a speeding ticket.

I'm not sure why this depresses me. Getting fired would be a gift. It would force me to do something that I don't have the nerve to do on my own; move on. But the idea of change frightens me. Or at least change that I have no control over. And I guess a large part of what I'm feeling right now comes from the fact that I'm bone tired and have been going since 02:30 this morning. Right now I just feel like such a fuckup. Our financial situation at home is perilous. It's just not a good time for major changes. But then, is there ever a good time for major changes?

I'm sitting on an exit south of Greensboro. I could have gone on to a rest area that's about another 10 miles south, but I wanted to stop here for some reason. I'm also kind of hoping that Law Enforcement won't be as quick to fuck with me if I'm on an exit. The NC boys tend to like to fuck with truck drivers in the rest areas.