Its 8:00pm. I'm taking a very short break before making the final attempt at straightening this place out. Its rather annoying having all this stuff spread across the floors, especially when the only reason for it is laziness.

Mike, Sherry's babysitter and the kids are on the porch outside. I think Tyler wants in, but that's impossible. I intend to make some headroom here, and I'm not going to do it chasing him.

I bought some food. My first real plunge. Nearly $40 worth, bringing the days totals to almost $60. Jesus. There went my NRI payment (which is due tomorrow). I'm late on my loan payment, too, having spent more money in the past few weeks than I was really able to. Oh, well. That's life.

It still feels pretty good to be here, although there are times I feel as if I am in a fortress trying to keep the barbarians at bay. In a way I wish I had waited and gotten a place somewhere in Gastonia, far from the family and the related entanglements, but I am here and will be happy.

I think things may be over between Carmen and I. She called late Monday night, and was very confrontational. She asked me if there was someone else. She asked what was wrong with her and why her relationships went like this, that she had sensed something was wrong and didn't think I wanted her around.

There is some truth to some of the things she said. I certainly don't want to move too fast and she's been hinting, possibly without knowing, of moving in. She's mentioned how much she loves the peace here. She's told me countless times that I wasn't meant to be alone.

:: sigh ::

I like her and I like her company. I would love to get to know her much better, but I'm not about to jump into something with both feet that I know would be destructive for me. This is the first time I've ever really had a place of my own. This is my home, or will be. I don't want this hard-earned space to be compromised by someone else just yet. Maybe later. Maybe when I'm ready. But for right now I'm returning to a dream I've always entertained. Many things are working out for me. I have a stereo for the first time in years. I have the ability to shut everything out if I so choose. I am the master of my destiny and have to explain nothing. I'm not going to let that be compromised. I refuse.

So ... she has to understand this.

Shit. Sometimes I wish I'd just let her go. It would be much simpler. Why can't we just be happy with what we have, regardless of what we might have. What will be will be, and what isn't wasn't meant to happen. The moments are what counts.

But she wants promises, I think. And she wants to think bad things about me. I think she wants to run, and is putting words into my mouth to give her reasons.

I'll probably call her tonight, but I'll tell her how I feel. I'm not going to tell her what she wants to hear because it might make her feel better. Lies are lies, no matter how you look at them.

:: sigh ::

I realize it looks like I've used her. At least from her perspective. If she runs, she'll be able to tell everyone I did. The evidence is all there. I don't think I did. I never intended to, and I have never once asked her not to come around. I haven't told her I wanted to stop seeing her. Hell, I haven't said anything which might make her think something like that, to my knowledge, but if she wants to end it before she gets hurt (which she is convinced she will), then more power to her. Good riddance. Have a good life. I don't need this. Not now.

Oh, well. Another moment. Another thought. I suppose I should go and try to finish up. I've food in the cupboard and things to clean with. And I have a little time. I have a lot of time. At least until tomorrow morning when I return to the cafe. And another day.

I hope all will be well. I hope my life will be as I want and need. And I hope all goes well for any soul whose path I cross. All I ask in return is the same well wishes. And the peace which comes from respecting another's mind.