In a way, this entry is actually a supplementary to the last, which I never got to finish. I'm not sure who, maybe Faith, but someone called and I simply set it aside.

I'm not going to repeat myself concerning Tanya. Words cannot express. I only know that I lay down last night and felt this dull ache, an emptiness, within my heart that has not been there in many years. I've lost someone. Someone who was wonderful.

But this entry will focus on other topics. There are some interesting ideas rising to the surface.

Faith has made a few references to the possibility of my moving to Athens, Georgia. Apparently there is something of an art scene there and she thinks I could make some contacts. For myself, I simply do not know. It's a frightening thought; leaving Kings Mountain and everyone behind. It's one I've considered before, but this time there is more substance behind it. It's a very real and very viable option.

And I would be near Faith.

There is another idea. Faith. I haven't fully analyzed my feelings for Faith. But in the final analysis, there is only one who truly occupies my thoughts. That is Faith.

I talked to her everyday from New York. Hers is the only number I took with me. I wrote her a letter from Queens. I thought about her a lot and could hardly wait to hear her voice. I've told her I love her and she has been reciprocal. I truly do love Faith. I am definitely going to St. Augustine with her in June, whereas the idea of travelling to California grows more remote with each passing day. And yes, I've thought about a move to Athens.

I want to be as honest here, with myself, as possible. Perhaps there is some barrier to falling deeply in love with someone whom I've never physically met. I do feel that I may be doomed once I have spent a week or so in St. Augustine with her. There are rather strong emotions NOW. How overwhelming might they be afterwards? Faith is a wonderful woman. She beautiful. Intelligent. She's a writer.

All I want is to hold her, and to have her hold me. I just want a moment in the light.

Well, time will reveal all. In the end, things will work out as they were destined. And I will simply accept.

And now one final topic. I am very deeply in debt right now. I am behind on my loan payment, my course payments, book clubs, etcetera. I've run up over a $500 phone bill, as well as an equally frightening AOL bill. I have things on me which threaten to overwhelm me. But damn it all, I will never give in. I've long since decided to sell all my recording stuff. The 4-track, keyboards, signal processors, the little mixing board; everything. This would allow me to pay my bills and might even put a little in my pocket. Basically put the time has come to be a grown man. If there is something to be done with my music, it won't be done on the equipment I have at hand. It will have to be done much more professionally. That would mean a studio. Or some other option. The lost soul locked away in a room will no longer suffice. There has to be something more.

So maybe the time has come. Maybe I just needed to grow into that.

And with the music there are other possibilities. I now know that I have a cousin in New York, Patrick, who works at a studio. So I have a contact. Not meaning to imply that he has a direct line to Columbia Records, but he can get people to listen to it. Professionals. Who knows who they might know? Actually, I'm more concerned with just Patrick hearing it, but there is also that underlying thought....