Broken Down Old Wrecks

Mama broke my heart this morning. I say that because I'm sitting here with an empty gnawing in my chest.

Okay, anyone who knows me is aware that I've been trying to figure out what to do with my old 1978 Thunderbird. I've had the car since 1984. I'm rather taken with the idea of keeping it.

I think most people would look at this car and think “junk.” About everything that can be done to a car needs to be done to this one. Tires. Brakes. Shocks. Hoses. Belts. It needs a paintjob. Re-chroming. Re-upholstering. Needs a new roof liner. Carpet. Hell, you name it.

Well, I came up with the bright idea this morning that maybe I could leave the car there for Mama to drive instead of buying another car. You can imagine how this went over.

I should explain my logic. Foremost, if it was left with Mama, that would solve my problem of finding a place to store it. I could come in on the weekends and work on the car. And if Mama was driving it, getting it repaired, repainted, etcetera, would take precedence over everything else.

I knew it was a longshot with Mama. I figured she wouldn't be able to see past th efact that right now that car is just a beat up old car. She wouldn't think about what it'll look like in a few months. I just wasn't prepared for the vehemence of Mama's rejection. It surprised me. And it really hurt my feelings.

I'm not giving up on that Thunderbird. I've had it for too long. I told it a month or so ago, in a burst of sentimentality, “Don't give up on me. I haven't given up on you.”

I've lost so much in recent weeks and months. I can't bear to lose this, too. In a lot of ways, it's about the only thing I have left. I've had it since I was 18 years old (got it a few months before my 19th birthday). Through all these years, it's been waiting for me to get my shit together and fix it up. Giving it up at this point feels too much like surrender.

I guess I empathize with the Thunderbird. In a lot of ways, I too feel like an old junker that nobody wants. And given time, I too could really be fixed up and made viable again. Most of the time, I'm made to feel like I'm the only one that can see the potential.