Trying to Get Re-Started

I'm looking around the house today, wondering why I can't seem to get started again. Well, I know why, but I'm very aware that I should just get on with it. In a lot of ways, this situation doesn't seem real. I've been struggling with some pretty severe depression, as well. That kind where you feel like you can't breathe, and the only real solution is to go to bed and cover your head. Mama's been worried about me. She's knows something is wrong, but I've tried to shield her from it. For the most part, it's worked. Occasionally she'll ask me “why are you so quiet?” I tell her I'm just tired, and that makes her feel better. Well enough that the questions go away. God bless Mama. She really doesn't want to know if anything is wrong. Or, rather, she doesn't want to think about. Works for me.

I'm not talking about depression to elicit sympathy. Mostly I'm looking at it as a logistical problem to be overcome. Hehe. How do I get past this and move on? It's taken me a while just to admit to myself what's going on. I mean, right in the middle of packing, I give up and spend two days playing World of Warcraft? For a short time, it made me feel a little better.

Between this ache in my chest that takes my breath and will away from me, there's also the heat to blame for at least some of my lack of progress. The air conditioning has never worked well here, but it's been so hot lately that it's been ... rough. When I went to bed last night it was 82 degrees in the house. That's worked in my favor. Because of the heat and her asthma, I haven't seen a lot of Mama over here. That's meant fewer questions.

Turning the truck in yesterday felt like a physical blow. I feel like the only stability that I had in my life is gone. The only constant, I mean. I feel like I've just cut my tethers and let my raft we swept away by the current. The situation here doesn't look good. What money I have in the bank is all I'm going to have. I still have to get a storage building and rent a truck to move things (assuming I ever get everything ready). The van payment is due. Insurance is coming up. I'm not going to have the money for either. The smart thing to do would be to go ahead and turn the van back over to Mara (she's said her mom is willing to take up payments), but I'm going to need some transportation next week to get back to Greensboro to go back to work.

In addition to everything else I'm feeling, now there's the rot of panic. I bought about $85 of cheap food last night (canned stuff, soups, rice, etc) because I honestly don't know when I'll be able to buy more. Hopefully this will get me through until I can get back to work. On a side note, I've noticed that ramen noodles are now 9¢ a pack. I wonder why I made note of that?

Anyway, I should get back to work. Or, rather, I should get started. I've made preparations for a productive day. I've eaten a breakfast of Mama's patented taco casserole *burp* and Coca-Cola as a base for my morning Goody's powders. Food and caffeine with 520 mg of acetaminophen and 1,040 mg of aspirin. Yeah, buddy. Fuck some arthritis.

Now if I can just figure out how to counter the depression and the heat. Especially the heat. Christ. Why couldn't this all happen in the winter time when it's nice and cool?