It's going to take me a while to get used being more attractive (the haircut was a big improvement ... and, well, losing 24 pounds. I didn't realize until I left that the guard at the place I just delivered was flirting with me. I just thought she was chatty.

Until I left. Then I realized. Oh, right. Small talk. Warm smile. Looking me dead in the eye the whole time. Hey! That was flirting! Hehe. I just don't have the subroutines in my programming that I need to process flirting in real time. Even if I did I wouldn't know how to flirt back.

But that's been the story of my life. I've always had such a bad self-image that it's always surprised me that women could find me attractive. That's why I've never picked up on those little cues. Man, how different might my life have been if I had.

Looking back I'm stunned at how many overtures went right over my head. I remember a lot of moments just like tonight, when a few minutes after the fact I had that moment of realization.

I hope I don't sound like I dislike who and what I am today or what my life is. It's just strange to think about how different my life would have been if I had just been more self-confident. I never understood my strengths, but was all too aware of my shortcomings. I also had a bad habit of being attracted to women who saw only my shortcomings.