I got up this morning thinking about Justice. Or, rather, thinking about the issues surrounding her, rather than Justice herself. Last night's ramblings were actually revalatory. Mara has worried at times about what she called my obsession. But this has never been about sex or missed opportunities, or regret connected to either of those things. If you take the fact that Justice was a woman completely out of the equation, what is left is a dear friend who was in need. Not of a romantic relationship or “some good lovin'” (insert bawdy laughter here), but of the unconditional support and understanding of a friend. She didn't get that from me.

I realized last night that that is what has eaten away at me all these years. I failed a friend who probably needed my friendship and support more than anyone I've ever known. Yes, there was a sexual tension there and I'm sure we would have eventually given in to it. But sex would not have been the point.

Okay, I'm over-examining this again. I've said what I feel. Hopefully realizing the root of all will help me to make my peace with Justice. I understand why she went away. With so many unresolved issues between us, it was probably an act of self-preservation.

I wish I could talk to Mara about this. But I realize that Mara simply sees Justice as an ex-girlfriend, and as The One that Got Away. She's never really bought the friend part. So I'll keep this to myself.

I really feel a lot better about things. At least now I feel like I have an inkling as to why Justice's presence in my memory has always felt like a dark tragedy that I didn't want to address. In a lot of ways Justice was a plane going down. When I could have helped I looked the other way. I didn't even go back to look for survivors.